February 3, 2012

High School Girls

Everyone knows how my social life is. My life revolves around my family, mainly. And then there are Zahir and Fara. Yes, it stops there. I'm known to be such a snob when it comes to keeping other friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm friendly and I love meeting new people and I love my other friends too, I swear. It's just that, I'm not that type of person who can keep up. Nowadays people go out and catch up with their friends almost every day/night. But me? I'm a home person. I don't like going out except if my parents offer me a shopping spree. Even both my best friend and boyfriend know how much I hate going out without a solid reason. I don't like to go to a mamak restaurant and just eat and talk the whole night. No, that's definitely not my cup of tea. I refuse to go out and I guess that's why I'm lack of friends. I simply can't keep up. To those who have known me for long and stayed, that means they understand how my life is and they accept that about me, which I'm so thankful for.

But sometimes, I realized that it is good to go out, to meet your old friends. I mean, why not right? I've been sitting in a cocoon for long enough, now that I have my semester break, why not catch up with some of my old friends. It doesn't hurt to meet after so long. Honestly, I miss my friends. High school ones, during my foundation year friends as well as my college friends. I went out with my college friends before they went back to their hometown on Monday and I had a great time. But what I was so excited and nervous about was the reunion I was going to on Wednesday night.

I had a few problems with my high school friends and if anyone were to blame, it's me. When I was 16, I avoided my group of friends. The reason? Let it just be between my friends and I, but what you should know is, I regret it. Sure, I avoided them and I thought I can focus more on my studies if I did. Sure, I did focus more on my studies after all but I really really miss my friends. We used to do everything together and we even had this friendship book. Kind of like a burn book, you can say. I am no genius, unlike my friends in the group, they have the brain of Einstein! So I had to work harder than them in order to get the results I wanted. My friends can play around and still get A's by the end of the year. So I was so worried since I'm not as smart as them, so I thought avoiding them was a great idea. My mistake was avoiding them completely without explanation. So I guess it's just fair that the night I met them, they interrogated me about the past.

We were a group of 5. There's Iffah, Fatin, Shera, Fara and I. We're like inseparable during those days. But since I avoided them, I guess they hated me for doing that and I don't blame them. However, the night I met them was great. We talked and we brought the friendship books to just go through and read them together to reminisce the good old days. At a point, my nervousness vanished into thin air and I felt so comfortable with them, just like we used to be before. The thought of sharing so much secrets together back then and here we are now, almost 5 years later. And I thought, okay maybe they've forgiven me.

Well, I was wrong.

Before going back, they said that they have something to say and they need my explanation. I was so nervous, I thought they were going to yell to my face for what I did and storm out the door. But no, they asked me nicely why I did that to them and how we're adults now and we need to settle this thing hanging between us once and for all. So they started to ask me questions that I have no problem answering because I have nothing to hide but for some reason, I was nervous. I was scared that they'll never forgive me. I trembled while I talked and if they noticed, they didn't mention it. They just listen intently to what I had to say. I guess I really broke their hearts and I thought, "I'm ready to accept any brutal comments from them. After all, I deserve it".

I swear, never in my life it occur to me to hate them even a little bit. I've never hated them, ever. I didn't abandon them out of hate. It was just a problem I had with myself that I thought I couldn't do it if I stay friends with them. But now I know it was a mistake and they were kind enough to forgive me. Well, except for Shera, I think. I don't know. It was kind of hard to read her expression but I guess it's only logical for her to be the one who find it hardest to forgive me since I was the closest to her back then. I know I've hurt her feelings, and the rest. And I know there's nothing for me to do to make up to them but we're in good terms now (at least, I think so) and I felt relieved than ever. I felt like this huge weight I have been carrying around for so long had been lifted down my shoulders.

Right to left : Fara, Me, Shera, Iffah and Fatin

So to you 'Miszy Lelle' (it was our thing back then) girls, if you're reading this, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry for what I've done and yes, I made a mistake. I should have explained to you girls long before this. I feel so lucky to have you girls forgive me. And thank you <3

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